The path I fear to tread
by Jessica12
Summary: Lorelai/Luke - (7/7)- "Someone to hold on to" - Can Luke and Lorelai find their way back to each other? YEAH! I*m finally done!!! Yieeepppheee :)...Please review and let me know if you hate this!! :)
1. Default Chapter

Title: The path I fear to tread  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where  
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: Lorelai is getting married to Max. Luke's POV  
AUTHORS NOTE: I know, I know, I know...Max and Lorelai broke up.  
But this is my story...So I will have it my way :)  
This is inspired by the movie "Sense and Sensibility".  
I just love that movie. I always cry like a baby every time I see it.  
If you haven't seen it or read the book, then you're missing something  
great. Thank you once again to Amy for once again helping me..  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
  
--------------------------------------  
I watch her from a distance.  
I want to go to her but I know that I shouldn't.  
It's not my place.  
It has never been my place.  
We keep our distance.  
She is sitting and talking to Rory at the table by the window.  
Sometimes I don't know what to call us.  
Friends.  
There come days when my heart whispers something else.  
Some nights she graces me with her presence in my dreams.  
I try to reach her there, somewhere between awake and asleep.  
But I can never reach her.  
She always slips from my hand and I wake with an aching heart.  
I know that I'm acting like a fool.  
I have never done anything foolish in my life and I don't intend to  
do something now.  
She is getting married.  
Two days has gone by since she came rushing into the diner with  
a smile that I only could compare to staring right into the sun.  
She showed me the ring and told me the big news.  
She smiled.  
She was on fire.  
Max.  
He was the man that had put that fire in her eyes.  
He had reached inside her and lit that candle that had been gone  
for so long.  
She deserved this.  
Happiness.  
I remember the talks we have had.  
About happiness.  
Maybe it's wrong to call them talks.  
We never talk.  
She talks and I listen.  
But I know about that longing she carries around.  
He has given her everything that she wanted.  
When she spoke that word "marriage" something inside of me broke.  
It happened so fast.  
During one sunny afternoon.  
It's funny how fast a heart can break.  
I thought I was strong.  
My heart has taken a lot of damage but I have never let it shatter.  
Never.  
Until now.  
Until her.  
I just stood there watching as this angel told me everything.  
I wonder if she could see it in my eyes.  
I wonder if she heard that second that my heart broke into millions of  
tiny small pieces.  
I guess not.  
She has finished her coffee now and she rises and walks up to the  
counter.  
She is dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.  
Her eyes meet mine and she smiles.  
I curse that smile.  
She knows how it affects me.  
She must know.  
"More, coffee...please, LUKAS!"  
"You know this stuff will kill you."  
She laughs.  
Damn that laugh.  
I surrender as I always do and reach for the coffeepot.  
She gives me another killing smile and returns to the table.  
I return to my usual place at the counter.  
I let my eyes gaze over the diner.  
My home.  
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to leave this place behind.  
I have always dreamed about seeing the world.  
But I know that all I will get to see of the world is from my TV.  
I'm born in this town and I will probably die here.  
I just wish sometimes that things would be different.  
That I had the guts to follow my dreams.  
To take what I want.  
Call me a coward, for that is exactly what I am.  
My dreams are beyond control these days.  
I know now that I will never see them come true.  
I will never find the courage to take what I want.  
I'm not like that.  
I have never been like that.  
You might say that I'm something in between.  
I have gone against this town several times.  
I have stood up for what I believe in.  
But I have ever listened, really listened, to my heart.  
Until now.  
As I stand here all I can here is a plead, a begging, to find love.  
I know, it sounds silly.  
But have you ever craved for something for so long that you have  
finally given up.  
I have.  
Love.  
I have known love.  
I have been loved.  
But it's just that I have never ever fallen in love.  
I have searched, believe me.  
I have tried.  
I have even acted, thinking things might change.  
But I have never felt the sweet release of love.  
You might call Rachel my first love.  
And that would not be lying.  
I loved her in some ways and in some ways not.  
I can't explain it.  
I just know that she wasn't the one.  
The one is someone I can't have.  
I don't know when love struck me.  
There are days when I curse the day she walked into my life.  
But it was a blessing.  
I don't believe in god but sometimes when the dark is creeping too  
close I think she is the closest to heaven I will ever come.  
Now she will never be mine.  
Sometimes it feels like I have known her forever, several lifetimes.  
I can't remember life before her and I can't see my life without her.  
I know, this isn't the picture you have of me.  
It's not my picture either.  
But something inside of me is screaming in pain.  
And I don't know how to mend it.  
They rise, her and Rory.  
They wave goodbye and then they are gone.  
My hands tremble as I reached for the coffeepot to offer another  
round for my customers.  
I mutter to myself:  
"Get a grip, Luke."  
Then I return to the job.  
----------------------------------------  
Dark clouds came in from the west and brought with them the first  
Summer rain.  
The night fell over Stars Hollow and my diner became empty.  
People hurried home to the warmth of their loved ones and left me  
where I stand now.  
Alone.  
I feel tired.  
My legs feel weak as I walk to the door and turn the "open" sign  
to "closed."  
I sigh.  
Another day has gone by.  
I used to think that the days go by so slowly.  
These days I wish I could stop time.  
I laugh.  
Silly.  
I just wish I could prevent what will happen in some way.  
Some might say that I should tell her what's in my heart.  
But the truth is that I don't know.  
All I know is that I can't lose her.  
That would be the death of me.  
I know that now.  
But there is nothing I can do to stop my own death.  
She doesn't want me.  
He is perfect for her.  
No one can say otherwise.  
A knock on the door.  
I go to the door and turn the key.  
He is standing outside my door.  
Max.  
I have only met him one time before.  
Now he is standing outside my door.  
"Mr. Danes. May I come in?"  
I let him into my home, the diner.  
"Call me Luke. Mr. Danes is my father."  
He smiles.  
"She told me you might say that."  
"Why are you here, Mr. Medina?"  
"Max."  
"Max, why are you here?"  
"I wanted to talk to you."  
"About what?"  
"Lorelai."  
"Okay..."  
"You two are friends?"  
"Yes..."  
"You have known her for how long?"  
"Forever..."  
"We are getting married..."  
"Yeah, she told me..."  
"I just wanted to check that everything is okay between us."  
"You and me?"  
"Yeah."  
"Sure.."  
"I just got the feeling when I was in here the last time with  
Lorelai that something was going on between the two of you."  
"No, you're wrong."  
"Good."  
He turns to leave.  
My bleeding heart is beating like crazy.  
God, I want to hate this man.  
I want so much to hate the man that is taking her from me.  
But I can't.  
I'm weak.  
I can't even dislike my rival.  
"Don't hurt her."  
He turns around and looks at me.  
"I could never..."  
Our eyes meet.  
"If I ever find out that you have done something to harm her. I swear  
I'll hunt you down and.."  
"I swear I'll never hurt her."  
"Good."  
He walks to the door.  
It's getting harder to breathe as I say his name.  
He turns around and looks me.  
"Take care of her."  
He smiles.  
"I will."  
Then he was gone out the door.  
And the rain kept falling.  
--------------------------------------------  
I turned of the light in the diner and climbed the steps to  
my apartment.  
The silence of the night reached me and made me shiver.  
I used to like the silence.  
I used to like being alone.  
These days I hate it.  
It's causing me harm.  
But I don't know how to break these chains that are causing me  
so much harm.  
I'm not asking for much.  
I just want someone.  
I wonder what it would be like to wake up beside the one you love.  
To see her sleep.  
To talk to her while the moon kept us company.  
To laugh with.  
To hold.  
To cherish.  
God, it hurts.  
This longing inside.  
It's like someone have pushed a knife through my heart.  
But this is something I have to live with.  
You can learn to live with pain.  
You can learn to live alone.  
Another knock on my door.  
I walk downstairs.  
I stumble through the door and open the door.  
She is at my door.  
Soaking wet.  
She shivers as she says my name.  
I pull her inside.  
"Why are you here, Lorelai? You shouldn't walk in this rain."  
"Oh, it's nothing."  
She smiles.  
I want to wrap my arms around her.  
But I keep my distance as I always do.  
"Do you want some coffee? Tea? Let me make you some tea.."  
"Oh, you're offering...hmm...Coffee, not tea."  
"Sure."  
She sits down at a table.  
I run upstairs and take a blanket from my bed.  
My hands tremble as I wrap it around her.  
For a moment my hand brushes against her cheek and I tremble.  
I go to the kitchen and put on a fresh pot.  
Then I return to her and sit down opposite her.  
Her eyes seem to glow.  
Or maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me.  
"I wanted to talk to you, Luke."  
"You to?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Max was here."  
"Max, when?"  
"An hour ago or so."  
"What did he want?"  
"He wanted to know if everything was okay between us."  
"Between us?"  
"Yes."  
"What did you say?"  
I looked into her eyes searching for something, anything that might  
bring my soul that hope that it so desperately needed.  
But I find nothing.  
"That everything was okay. Nothing is going on."  
"Good."  
Silence followed.  
I rose to get the coffee.  
She smiled when she got it.  
I sat down again.  
"What did you want to talk about?"  
"Oh ...I just..."  
"What?"  
"I just wanted to invite you to the wedding."  
Her words were like a punch in the stomach.  
I have never known pain like that.  
For a moment I had let myself believe that she had come for something  
different, something else.  
Foolish.  
My soul cried as I spoke:  
"Thank you. Of course I'll come."  
She smiled and took my hand.  
Lightning struck my heart in that second.  
Her hand was so warm in mine.  
I wanted to pull her to me and never let her go.  
I wanted to lock her inside until she loves me.  
I wanted to tell her.  
But I couldn't.  
I couldn't even speak those three small words.  
"Thank you, Luke. You are a good friend."  
Friend.  
Friend.  
Friend.  
That word kept playing over and over in my head like a broken record.  
I never thought a word could hurt me so.  
But it did.  
She let go of my hand and rose.  
I was already missing her touch.  
I wanted to brand the feeling of her hand in mine forever.  
But the moment kept slipping away for every second that past.  
She walked towards the door.  
She opened the door and looked straight at me.  
Then she spoke:  
"Is there any reason why I shouldn't marry Max?"  
Please, love me! Love me! Please, god, love me!  
It was a plead from a broken heart.  
A shattered soul.  
I wanted to say something.  
Stop her.  
Make her stay.  
But I couldn't.  
Her words kept ringing in my ear.  
Friend.  
"No, no reason."  
Her eyes met mine and for a single second I thought I saw sorrow  
there.  
But then it was gone and replaced with a smile.  
With a smile she was gone.  
The pain was indescribable.  
It was like someone had reached inside  
my chest and pulled out my living, beating heart.  
I brought this on.  
The pain was my entire fault for loving someone I can't have.  
Fool.  
She is an angel and she is not mine.  
I have to accept that.  
My heart lies dying on the floor as I walk up to the door and lock it.  
I lean my forehead against the cold window and whisper:  
"Goodbye."  
Then I turn out the light and walk the path again.  
Back to my home.  
My apartment.  
Alone.  
------------------------------------  
Feedback---j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	2. Believe

Title: The path I fear to tread - Believe  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles-   
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: Lorelai is getting married to Max. Lorelai's POV  
AUTHORS NOTE: To "Dot" THANK YOU SO MUCH for everything you have said..  
I wish there were some way I could show you how much something like  
that means to me...Thank you..  
I know, I know, I know...Max and Lorelai broke up.   
But this is my story...So I will have it my way :)  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
------------------------------------  
"And I have the sense to recognize that   
I don't know how to let you go,  
every moment marked with apparitions of your soul,  
i'm every swiftly moving,  
trying to escape this desire the yearning to be near you..."/  
( from "Do what you have to do" by Sarah Mclachlan )  
----------------------------------  
The path I fear to tread - Believe  
by: Jessica  
--------------------------------  
  
The rain is coming down hard outside my window.  
It seems to have been raining for days now.  
The clock beside my bed shows little after three in the morning.  
I know that I should be sleeping but I can't.  
He is sleeping with his back turned towards me.  
I rise.  
My soul feels so weary tonight.  
I walk up to the window and sit down in my favorite chair.  
I wrap my rob tighter around my body.  
It's seven days left now.  
Until my wedding.  
Seven days left until I will be forever bound to this man that  
is sleeping in my bed.  
Max.  
The thought scares me.  
But still marriage is something I have dreamt about since I was young.  
I just thought I would feel more.  
I thought I would float on clouds.  
But I don't.  
At first I couldn't be happier.  
He had actually asked me to be his wife.  
But then fear hit.  
Fear of everything I will lose.  
My freedom was one of them.  
There are so many things that will be changed when I get that ring  
on my finger.  
I wish there were some magical way that it wouldn't.  
I tried to convince myself that nothing would change.  
That everything would stay the same.  
But I learned the truth tonight.  
He showed me.  
Luke.  
I don't know why I went to him. Both of us knew that it would be   
easier for me to send the invitation by mail.   
But I went to him anyway.  
He took me into his home as he always has done.  
I sat there with a voice whispering in my head.  
But I couldn't hear what it was saying.  
He gave me coffee.  
Wrapped a blanket around me.  
I wanted someone to talk to.  
I wanted him to tell me, convince me that I wasn't making a mistake.  
A part of me wanted him to stop me.  
I sat there searching for something, anything, that could tell me that I  
was doing the right thing.  
But I found nothing.  
I wanted to cling to him and everything that I had.  
I wanted him to tell me that nothing ever would change between us.  
But as our eyes met I knew the truth.  
Maybe I could convince my head that everything would stay the same.  
But my heart knew that as time passed we would drift further and further apart.  
I could see it in his eyes.  
Both of us knew it.  
I would lose a friend but I would gain a husband.  
I remember his eyes as I asked him if there were any reason why I shouldn't marry Max.  
I don't know why I asked that.  
No good could come of it.  
I just wanted a reaction.  
I wanted to break through that huge wall he had around his heart.  
I stood there in the doorway to the diner and something inside of me screamed for an answer.  
Something.  
Anything.  
A sign that he felt...something.  
But he just stood there and his face showed nothing.  
I never thought a word could hurt me like it did.  
No.  
It's such a harsh word.  
I know that I should be happy.  
I have everything that I want in my grasp.   
So why does my heart feels so bad?  
Why am I hurting?  
I'm getting married I shouldn't feel like this.  
I walked home in the rain.  
Now I'm sitting here by the window watching as the rain is coming down outside.  
I can't sleep.  
He came to me in my dreams and drove me from the sweet release of sleep.  
This man that I have called my friend as long as I can remember.  
Friend.  
I don't know what we are anymore.  
I have tried to put a label on our relationship but as the days pass I have found myself  
wanting something more, something else.  
He has this way about him that manages to reach inside of me and touch apart of my soul  
that no one else has been able to reach for a long time.  
He has a power over me that scare me.  
I need him.  
And I haven't needed anyone for as long as I can remember.  
But I do need him.  
It shouldn't be like this.  
Max is the one that I will marry.  
So why is he on my mind?  
Why does he live inside of my heart?  
I know it's too late now.  
For wanting something else.  
Luke doesn't want me.   
He made that clear tonight.  
And I shouldn't long for him.  
I wish there were some magical way that I could stop this foolish heart of mine.  
Max, is the one that I love.  
I love him.  
LIAR!!  
Why does my heart long for someone I can't have?  
I will do what's right for once in my life.  
Rory needs a father and I need someone.  
I just wish that...  
Tears fill my eyes.  
The pain is real now.  
YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!  
I wish there were some way that I could drive him out of my heart.  
Luke.  
When did I fall in love with my best friend?  
How could this happen?  
I should have stopped this a long time ago.  
HE DOESN'T WANT YOU  
I want to scream out in pain.  
I want to stop these voices that is screaming in my head.  
But it's the truth.  
I realize that now.  
My hand tremble as I reach out and brush away a tear from my cheek.  
I whisper into the darkness of the night the words I didn't dare to speak out load:  
"I love him."  
YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM.  
The truth kills me slowly as I rise from the chair.  
I'm doing the right thing.  
I'm saving myself.  
I turn towards the bed.  
Max.  
I will go to him now and I will pray to god that this foolish heart will learn to love  
this wonderful man.  
"Please, God...Please, I have to...Otherwise I will surely die."  
But no one was listening.  
Believe.  
Believe.  
I cling to that word as I lay down beside him.  
  
---------------------------------------------  
Feedback----j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	3. Learning to breathe

Title: The path I fear to tread - Learning to breathe  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where  
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: It's the day of Lorelai's wedding to Max...  
AUTHORS NOTE: I know, I know, I know...Max and Lorelai broke up.  
I don't know the exact distance between Stars Hollow and the Inn.  
But this is my story...So I will have it my way :)  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
--------------------------  
I'm learning now.  
Every day is a lesson.  
I'm learning to breathe without her.  
I take it day by day.  
She was never mine in the first place.  
She gave me no promises.  
No signs.  
Nothing.  
So I should be whole.  
I shouldn't feel like this.  
This broken.  
But, god, it hurts.  
Every breath is causing me pain.  
Hope kept me alive during these past years.  
I watched her from a distance.  
I followed her through life, watching over her.  
I made sure that she was all right.  
I loved her from afar.  
But hope is gone now.  
I can never have her.  
She will never be mine.  
I know, I should move on.  
But I don't know how to let her go.  
I don't know how to stop loving her.  
I wish I could.  
I wish there were a book I could read or video I could watch that could   
teach me how to drive her out of my heart.  
It's a matter of survival.  
She is getting married today.  
I will say goodbye to her today.  
I just wish there were more time left.  
I need more time.  
To mend my heart.  
To show the world that I'm feeling just fine.  
Sometimes I fear that she can see right through me.  
That she can see inside of me and see this bleeding heart of mine.  
That she will know.  
I fear that she will find out.  
That she will feel pity.  
That I would push her away.  
I could not live like that.  
I couldn't live without her in my life.  
She will never be mine but I just can't lose her.  
I need that smile.  
I need those blue eyes.  
I need her.  
I'm weak.  
I know.  
-------------------------------  
She came into the diner just after twelve that day.  
Glowing.  
She walked right up to the counter and sat down.  
"Coffee!"  
"Shouldn't you get ready?"  
She was dressed in a jeans and a t-shirt.  
Her hair was in a ponytail.  
"I will. I just need to get out of the house. It's crazy.."  
"Oh, I see.."  
"You're coming, right?"  
I wanted to say no.  
I wanted to come up with some good excuse to not go.  
But I couldn't do that to her.  
I couldn't hurt her like that.  
So I just smiled and said:  
"Sure, I'll be there..."  
"In a suit? I hope.."  
"Yes. In a suit."  
"Shaved."  
"Yes. Shaved."  
I smiled.  
God, she was glowing.  
Her eyes seemed to glimmer like two diamonds.  
She drew me in and I stood there smiling like a fool.  
"Good!"  
Our eyes met and she smiled.  
Pain hit me in that moment.  
YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!  
This beautiful butterfly.  
This angel.  
I fell right then and there.  
I raised the shields around my heart as reality hit me right in the   
chest.  
SHE WILL NEVER BE YOURS!  
This must be hell on earth.  
She finished her coffee and then she rose from her chair.  
She walked towards the door.  
"I'll be seeing you! Don't forget!"  
"I won't."  
Then she was gone.  
COME BACK! COME BACK! LOVE ME! LOVE ME! LOVE ME!  
Fool.  
Fool.  
Fool.  
I prayed that I could stop this foolish game I was playing with my  
heart.  
This torture.  
---------------------------------------------  
I closed the diner around three that afternoon.  
I cleaned up and walked upstairs to take a shower.  
I shaved.  
Then the suit.  
I have never hated a suit as I hated that one.  
Only one hour left.  
One hour until I would forever lose her.  
So little time.  
One hours until I would surely die.  
I sat down on my bed.  
My legs felt weak.  
My heart hurt.  
I wanted to run from this.  
Just turn around and run.  
It would be so easy.  
Don't look back.  
Run away from my heart.  
From the truth.  
But I couldn't do that.  
Where would I go?  
How far would I come?  
Not long.  
Until the truth caught up with me.  
So I have no choice.  
I have to face this today.  
I will have to let her go and pray that she will  
have a beautiful life.  
I'm sure she will.  
A knock on my door.  
"Luke?"  
I rose and opened the door to my apartment.  
Sookie.  
She was dressed in a blue dress.  
She looked nice.  
For a moment I had thought she was standing outside my door.  
"What are you doing here? How did you get in?"  
"The door to the diner was open."  
"Didn't you see the sign!? I'm closed."  
"Don't be like that! I need to talk to you."  
"What about?"  
"Lorelai."  
"If this is about the wedding...I already told her that I was coming."  
"She is getting married today, Luke."  
"So?"  
"So...Is that everything you can say?"  
"What do you want me to say?"  
"How about the truth?"  
"I don't know what you are talking about!"  
I turned my back to her and walked into my apartment.  
"She is getting married today...to Max.."  
"And what?!"  
I turned towards her.  
"What! You have to stop it!"  
"Stop the wedding? You are crazy. You must have been sniffing something  
in that kitchen of yours."  
"You love her."  
LIE TO HER!  
I backed away from her, afraid that she might see the truth in my eyes.  
"We are friends.."  
"You are in love with her! The whole town knows, Luke."  
"Don't be silly! We are friends. I serve her coffee every day...There  
is nothing else.."  
"Why can't you just admit it? What's the harm in telling the truth?"  
BECAUSE IT WOULD BREAK MY HEART ONCE AGAIN  
"Admit what?!"  
"You love her."  
"No, it's not true."  
She walked towards me.  
I backed away from her.  
"Why are you doing this?"  
"Because she is my friend and I want her to be happy."  
"She will be happy..with Max."  
"No, she won't."  
"She loves him."  
"No."  
"Yes, she does."  
"She loves you as much as you love her."  
"No, she doesn't love me.  
"Luke..."  
She must be lying to me.  
It must be a lie.  
Or a cruel joke.  
"Stop doing this!"  
"I'm only telling the truth.."  
"No, it's not true..."  
"You love Lorelai.."  
I closed my eyes in a weak attempt to shut her out.  
My walls were crumbling.  
"NO! I said NO!"  
"Stop lying. You love her.."  
In that moment my walls fell.  
I opened my eyes and our eyes met.  
She could see the truth in my eyes.  
"Of course I love her. What did you expect? I have never loved  
another the way I love her."  
"Why haven't you told her?"  
"She doesn't want me."  
"She would gladly have you."  
"I don't deserve her."  
"Of course you do. Don't be silly."  
"I...can't...She is happy..I can't tell her...I just can't."  
"She deserves to know the truth from her best friend."  
"I can't do that to her. It's her wedding day."  
"She needs to hear the truth."  
"What if she doesn't want to hear it?"  
"She loves you!"  
"How do you know?"  
"I'm not blind. She is my best friend.."  
"But.."  
"You will lose her if you don't speak up. Can you live with that?"  
"I have already lost her."  
"No, not yet. There's still time!"  
The clock by the door showed 4:45.  
Fifteen minutes left until her wedding.  
"I just can't rush in there and stop the wedding. This isn't some  
movie."  
"Why not? For once in your life you have to do something wild and  
crazy otherwise you will lose her."  
Crazy.  
It was time to act crazy.  
To win her.  
It was time to go into battle and win her heart.  
---------------------------------  
I ran like a madman.  
I haven't run like that since my baseball-days.  
The Inn seemed miles away.  
I should have taken the truck.  
But I couldn't get that damn thing to start.  
Time passes so quickly when you don't want it too.  
I arrived at the Inn thirty minutes later.  
I had run.  
I had walked.  
I had tried.  
Sweaty.  
Panting.  
The music met me.  
The wedding was held behind the Inn.  
I ran.  
Then I saw her.  
Them.  
Walking down the aisle.  
Flowers in her hand.  
Smiling.  
Then I saw the ring.  
The smile upon her face.  
And I understood.  
Too late.  
I died.  
  
__________________________________  
Feedback--j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	4. Still

Title: The path I fear to tread - Still  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where  
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: It's been about a month since Lorelai married Max. Life  
continues as normal. At least for some..  
AUTHORS NOTE: I know, I know, I know...Max and Lorelai broke up.  
But this is my story...So I will have it my way :)  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
  
-------------------------------  
"When you come to me, unbidden,  
Beckoning me  
To long-ago rooms,  
Where memories lie.  
  
Offering me, as to a child, an attic,  
Gatherings of days too few,  
Baubles of stolen kisses,  
Trinkets of borrowed loves,  
Trunks of secret words,  
  
I CRY."  
  
( "When you come to me" by: Maya Angelou )  
  
-------------------------------  
The path I fear to tread- Still  
by: Jessica  
(4/?)  
--------------------  
  
You can't lose something you never had.  
Those words kept playing over and over again in my head like  
a broken record.  
I lay down on my bed, trying to find peace in the sweet release  
of sleep.  
But all I can see when I close my eyes is her face.  
It's almost been a month now since her wedding.  
The day I lost her.  
It took all my strength to pick myself up of the floor and move on.  
It's not like I haven't had my heart broken before.  
But I have never experienced this kind of pain.  
I can feel it every minute of the day.  
Every time I try to breathe.  
Every time I dare to move.  
They say that time heals all wounds.  
I'm beginning to doubt that.  
This heart, even time can't mend.  
  
I move around the diner like nothing has changed.  
I serve my customers.  
Life moves on even for the broken hearted.  
They came into the diner three weeks after their wedding.  
Lorelai and Max.  
They sat down at the table by the window.  
They looked happy.  
She looked happy.  
The pain struck me like lightning on a clear day.  
I wanted to run away.  
I wanted to run as far away as possible.  
I didn't want to see her eyes glowing of happiness.  
I wanted to hide away until I could find the strength  
to face her again.  
But I knew there was nowhere I could run.  
So I grabbed the coffeepot and the mugs and headed over there.  
Her smile met me.  
God, that smile.  
I almost stumbled.  
"Coffee, I presume."  
I sat down the mugs in front of them.  
"Of course.."  
Her eyes seemed to pierce right through me and see the bleeding  
heart that still pounded in my chest.  
I avoided her eyes as I spoke:  
"What will you have?"  
Max spoke first:  
"Coffee and pancakes, please."  
My hand trembled as I took down his order.  
Then I turned towards her.  
I dared to lift my gaze and meet her eyes as I spoke:  
"What will you have?"  
God, those eyes.  
My legs felt weak.  
I clung to the coffeepot like it could stop me from falling.  
"I didn't see you..."  
"What do you mean?"  
"I didn't see you at the wedding."  
Why did she hurt me so?  
I wanted to tell her the truth right then and there.  
But of course I didn't.  
"I was there.."  
"I looked for you after. I saved you a dance.."  
Pain.  
Pain came knocking.  
I wanted to run away from her.  
But I couldn't.  
So I lied.  
"Oh, I went home. I was tired."  
She looked disappointed.  
Or maybe it was just my mind playing tricks with me.  
"Oh, okay...I'll have the same as Max, please."  
I gave them coffee then I left their table as fast as I could.  
I had lied to her.  
I never lie to her.  
The truth was that I had been there.  
I had kept my distance.  
I stood in a grove watching the party at a safe distance.  
All I could see was her.  
She was so beautiful that it caused me physical pain.  
She stood there in a perfect, simple, wedding dress.  
No veil.  
She wore white roses in her hair.  
I wanted to go to her.  
To touch her.  
To say goodbye to her.  
To say something.  
But I couldn't do that to her.  
She looked so happy.  
Then Max came and swept her away out on the dance floor.  
She laughed.  
She was happy.  
And I was dead.  
I whispered into the dark:  
"Goodbye."  
Then I let the dark surround me as I walked the path home.  
----------------------------------  
Two months later  
  
------------------  
Summer came and went.  
Fall came with rain and thunder.  
I blessed that time of the year.  
I liked it.  
It calmed me.  
I managed to breathe again.  
I could even smile again.  
So I blessed the rain for healing me.  
At least a little.  
She came and went as usual.  
We talked as we always have done.  
But we both knew that things had changed between the two of us.  
Then she stopped coming every day.  
One day became two and finally a week had passed.  
But she didn't come.  
Then a month.  
And she stayed away.  
Rory came and went as usual.  
I didn't ask about Lorelai and she didn't tell me.  
But I understood.  
They didn't have to tell me.  
She didn't want me.  
She had another life now that didn't include me.  
I didn't blame her.  
But that didn't keep me from missing her.  
  
Months passed by so fast.  
I kept seeing her around town.  
I wanted to run right up to her and talk to her.  
See her smile.  
I missed that smile.  
I missed that laugh.  
Those eyes.  
Her.  
God, how I missed her.  
But I remained my calm self.  
  
Sookie came into the diner a dull Monday afternoon in the beginning  
of December.  
She walked right up to the counter and handed me an envelope.  
"What's this?"  
She stood in front of me.  
Pride glowing in her eyes.  
"It's an invitation."  
"To what?"  
"We're having a Christmas party at the Inn. Dinner and dancing. And  
you are coming!"  
"And she knows about this?"  
"Yes, she knows. She wants you to come."  
"But.."  
"Luke! You have to face her. Stop hiding."  
"I'm not hiding. Who said I was hiding? I'll come if I'm invited."  
"Good! It's this Saturday."  
She moved towards the door.  
Then she turned and said:  
"Oh, Luke?"  
"Yeah.."  
"Wear a tux."  
"Okay."  
Then she smiled and was out the door in the next minute.  
  
Saturday came with the first snow.  
I stood in front of the mirror dressed in a rented tux.  
I had showered and shaved.  
My heart was beating like crazy.  
Hope kept building in my chest.  
I even smiled.  
God, I was grinning like a fool.  
  
I arrived just in time for dinner.  
The Inn had never looked better.  
It seemed like Sookie had invited the whole town.  
Everyone was there.  
But not Lorelai.  
I searched for her among the well-known faces but she was nowhere  
to be found.  
I sat through dinner nervous as a schoolboy.  
As the dark fell outside everyone began to gather in the ballroom.  
She remained missing.  
I rose from my chair at the dinner table.  
When I entered the ballroom the dance had already begun.  
I positioned myself close to the door and started to watch the  
couples on the dance floor.  
I had never felt so alone as I felt in that moment.  
Then I saw her.  
Lorelai.  
She was standing on the other side of the room talking to miss Patty.  
She was smiling.  
Her hair was longer.  
I wanted to scream her name.  
I wanted to run to her.  
But I just stood there afraid to move.  
Then she saw me and her whole face lit up.  
Her eyes seemed to glow as she walked towards me.  
She was dressed in a blue dress that matched her eyes.  
I didn't dare to move.  
I didn't dare to speak.  
She was before me.  
This angel that had lived in my dreams for months now.  
She spoke first:  
"You came."  
"I was invited."  
"You look nice."  
"Thanks. You too. Where's Max tonight?"  
"At some conference in Boston. But he promised that he would  
try to make it."  
"Oh, okay."  
Silence followed.  
I wanted to say something smart and clever but I found no words.  
My heart was beating like crazy.  
"Do you want to dance, Luke?"  
"Sure."  
I shivered as she took my hand and lead me to the dance floor.  
Her hand seemed so small in mine.  
Her eyes were dark as she moved closer to me.  
Hand around her waist.  
We moved with the music.  
She crept closer to me but I didn't object.  
I had never been a good dancer.  
But somehow and in some way it seemed like we were floating.  
She placed her head against my shoulder and sighed.  
My heart felt huge in my chest.  
I slid my arms around her and pressed her gently against my chest.  
She didn't object.  
She didn't move away.  
I caught the slightest whiff of her perfume and my world went spinning.  
I struggled with the words I wanted so much to tell her.  
Those words that were screaming to come out.  
I LOVE YOU  
But they remained unspoken.  
My heart felt huge in my chest.  
I felt whole.  
I was holding the only woman I had ever truly loved.  
I was complete and for a moment everything felt right.  
"I have missed you, Luke."  
Her words were magic for a frozen heart.  
I pulled her closer to as I whispered:  
"I have missed you too."  
The music died away all around us but we kept moving.  
This must be heaven.  
She lifted her head and looked at me.  
"Can we go some where to talk?"  
My heart went racing as I saw something in her eyes that hadn't been   
there before.  
"Sure"  
  
We walked outside and stood on the porch watching as the snow came  
down from a darken sky.  
I wrapped my coat tighter around my body and looked at Lorelai.  
She was standing beside me starring into the dark night.  
"Are you cold, Lorelai?"  
She turned towards me.  
"I can't do this!"  
"Do what?"  
"This. You and me."  
"What about you and me?"  
"I can't go around and act like nothing is wrong."  
"Nothing is wrong. Why should anything be wrong?"  
"Oh, please. We haven't talked for almost four months now."  
"Don't blame me. I wasn't the one that stayed away."  
"Do you want to know why I stayed away?"  
"Yes."  
"You have changed, Luke."  
"No, I'm right here."  
"When I tried to talk to you were distant and cold. I want the old  
Luke back."  
"I'm standing right here."  
"No, you're not! Tell if it's something I have done."  
I moved away from her.  
My heart ached in my chest as I looked at her.  
How could I make her understand?  
"Lorelai, I..."  
"Please, Luke I need my best friend back."  
"I can't.."  
She moved towards me.  
Begging.  
Pleading for me to open up.  
"Luke, tell me what's wrong."  
She was close now.  
I couldn't run anymore.  
I didn't want to run.  
"Lorelai, I can't tell you."  
"Luke, please.."  
"Why are you doing this?"  
"I can't do this anymore."  
She turned away from me.  
I was losing her.  
I could feel it with every breath I took.  
"Lorelai.."  
"No, Luke. I thought we were friends."  
"We are!"  
She turned towards me.  
Fire glowing in her eyes.  
"Then why won't you tell me what's wrong? Why are you pulling Mr.   
Freeze  
on me?"  
"I don't want to lose you."  
"You could never lose me."  
My voice was just as a whisper as I spoke:  
"I have already lost you."  
"Luke..."  
Our eyes met.  
I couldn't hide anymore.  
It was time to open my heart to her and hope for the best.  
I prayed that I could trust her my heart.  
And a part of me wished she would give me hers.  
"You are married, Lorelai."  
Sorrow lived in my eyes as I looked at her.  
"I'm still your friend."  
"It's not the same. We can't go back."  
"Yes, we can. We have to. I need you."  
"You have Max now."  
"But you are my friend."  
"Lorelai..."  
I backed away from her.  
"Luke, I..."  
"No, don't you understand?"  
"Understand what?"  
"We can never be friends!"  
She reached for me but I avoided her hand.  
I knew that if she touched me now I would surely crumble.  
"Luke, please. Don't do this!"  
"No, I don't want to be your friend. I can't anymore. I thought  
I could. But I can't."  
"I can't lose you. I would die."  
"I can't live like this. Only half alive."  
"Please, Luke. Tell what to do! There has to be some way to fix this."  
"No, Lor. It's too late."  
"So you're just giving up. Just because I'm married."  
"Don't you see!?"  
"What!?"  
"I CAN NEVER HAVE YOU!!"  
My words died away.  
Silence followed.  
I searched for the truth in her eyes.  
I searched for disgust.  
I searched for anger.  
For fear.  
But I found nothing.  
I moved towards her.  
She didn't move away.  
Her eyes met mine.  
"I have loved you for as long as I can remember. There has never been  
anyone else. For God's sake, Lorelai. I'm so desperately in love with  
you that I even tried to stop your wedding."  
She was so close now.  
My hands screamed out to touch her but I was afraid that she would  
run if I surrendered.  
She looked like a dear caught in the headlights of a car.  
Her voice was just as a whisper as she spoke:  
"Why didn't you say something?"  
"Would you have listened? Would you have wanted to hear?"  
She lifted her head towards me and said:  
"Yes..I deserved to know."  
"I fell apart that day you came into the diner and told me about  
the wedding. You broke my heart that day."  
"Luke..."  
"I don't want your pity."  
"I don't pity you. I..."  
"Stop. I know what you are going to say."  
"How do you know?"  
"I know you Lorelai."  
"No, you don't."  
"You're married now. And I have to live with that.."  
"Yes, I am.."  
I could see tears in her eyes.  
"Are you crying?"  
"I never cry."  
My hands trembled as I reached out my hand and caught a tear on  
my finger.  
"You shouldn't cry."  
"What are we going to do now?"  
"We move on. Start living.."  
"I don't know if I can let you go, Luke."  
"You have to. We both have to."  
"But, I don't know if I can live without you."  
"Yes, you can. You are the strongest woman I have ever known."  
"Luke,please..There has to be another way."  
"No..It has to be this way. It's better this way."  
Her eyes were dark now.  
I framed her face between my hands and forced her to look at me.  
"So this is goodbye?"  
"Yeah. Don't cry."  
"I won't."  
I would remember this moment as long as I would live.  
This time on the porch.  
A moment like this only comes once in a lifetime.  
"I'm going to kiss you now, Lorelai."  
She didn't object.  
Didn't run.  
"Okay."  
Then I lowered my mouth to hers and kissed her.  
She tasted like tears and wine.  
She tasted like heaven and hell all wrapped in one.  
Her lips were soft against mine.  
The moment my tongue slid against hers I knew that I wanted her with  
every part of my being.  
I didn't want to let go.  
I wanted to drown in her.  
I wanted to take comfort in her.  
Passion ate at my heart as I pulled her closer to me.  
Drowning in her.  
Tasting.  
It felt so natural to take her into my arms and make love to her.  
But I couldn't.  
She wasn't mine.  
Reality came back.  
We parted.  
It had finally stopped snowing.  
The moon ruled the sky.  
Above our heads the stars had come out to play.  
I would remember this night.  
She pressed her cheek against my chest.  
I slid my arms around her.  
Didn't want to let go.  
Not yet.  
I wished time could stop.  
That I would have this moment forever.  
I could hear her sobbing against my shirt.  
My heart ached and fell apart in my chest.  
She mouthed those three small words that I need to hear against my  
shirt.  
"I love you."  
It was just a whisper.  
Then she broke free.  
Her eyes were big as she looked at me.  
No words were needed.  
We both knew.  
This was goodbye.  
I wanted to reach for her.  
Take her into my arms and hold her just a second longer.  
But I knew it had to be this way.  
Then she turned around and walked away from me.  
In my head a voice whispered:  
COME BACK! COME BACK!  
But I didn't listen.  
  
-------------------------------------  
Lorelai found her way inside to the warmth of the Inn.  
She brushed away the tears with the back of her hand.  
She was trembling.  
Then Rory appeared in the doorway to the diner:  
"Where have you been?"  
"I just..."  
"I have looked for you. You have a phone call. It's the police.  
There's been an accident."  
  
  
---------------------------------  
Feedback...j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Part 5 is called "You have been loved" and it's coming soon! 


	5. You have been loved

Title: The path I fear to tread - You have been loved  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where  
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: An accident throws Lorelai into the dark hole of grief and  
she distances herself from the only man she has ever really loved.  
AUTHORS NOTE: The title of this fanfic comes from a beautiful song  
by George Michael.  
I know, I know, I know...Max and Lorelai broke up.  
But this is my story...So I will have it my way :)  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
THANK YOU: To Amy for once again helping me out with this story...  
You're my savior..:)  
  
--------------------------------  
"If I could hold you one more time  
like in the days when you where mine  
I'd look at you 'till I was blind  
So you would stay  
  
I'd say a prayer each time you'd smile  
Cradle the moments like a child  
I'd stop the world if only I  
Could hold you one more time..."  
(From "One more time" written by: Richard Marx )  
  
-------------------------------  
The path I fear to tread -  
You have been loved  
(5/7)  
by: Jessica  
  
----------------------  
I drove like a madman to the hospital in Hartford.  
It's amazing that I didn't crash into something.  
I ran through the halls of the hospital screaming his name.  
Acting crazy.  
A young doctor with kind eyes stopped me and made me sit down.  
My heart was beating like crazy.  
"Max. Max Medina. I'm his wife."  
His face changed in a second.  
"Mr. Medina was brought into the emergency room about an hour ago."  
"I need to see him. He is all right, isn't he?"  
"Mrs. Medina, I..."  
His eyes met mine and I just knew.  
It struck me like lightning on a clear day.  
"No, it can't be."  
"There was an accident. He went off the road and hit a tree. He  
went through the front window of his car. When the paramedics  
arrived at the scene they managed to revive him. But on their way  
back to the hospital he went into cardiac arrest and when they arrived  
here..."  
"No, please.."  
"He was pronounced dead forty-five minutes ago. We couldn't save him,  
Mrs. Medina. I'm so sorry for your loss."  
Just like that.  
Like words could mend the pain that ripped my heart into millions  
of tiny pieces.  
"No, it can't be. There's must be some kind of mistake.."  
"He had your picture and number on him.."  
"No."  
In that single moment my heart broke and the tiny pieces were scattered  
for the wind.  
Tears made my sight blurry as I rose.  
"I want to see him."  
"You shouldn't.."  
My legs felt weak as I dared to move.  
"Please, I have too. I can't..."  
He understood.  
"I'll take you too him."  
  
Looking back now I don't know how I got through that door without  
breaking down.  
The nurses had laid him out in a private room.  
"I'll leave you alone."  
The doctor's voice pierced through the silence of the room and almost  
made me jump.  
Then he was gone.  
The door was closed and I was left alone.  
I lingered by the door afraid to move.  
"Max?"  
I expected him to move, sit up and say that this was all a joke.  
It had to be.  
Some nasty joke.  
But he didn't move.  
He didn't sit up.  
I moved closer.  
My heart was beating like crazy.  
He was so pale.  
My hands trembled as I reached out and took his hand in mine.  
His hand felt so cold in mine.  
Tears marked my face and I fell to my knees beside his bed.  
"Max, please. Don't do this.."  
Silly words.  
Like I could stop this.  
How could this happen?  
Why did God take him from me?  
I should have been with him.  
I should have stopped him.  
I should have done something, anything.  
The moon made its presence known in the room as I rested my  
cheek against his cold hand.  
"Please, come back to me. I don't know how to make it without you."  
How could I say goodbye to him?  
My husband.  
I should have held on to him so that not even death could take him  
away from me.  
But I had let time slip away from me.  
I had thought that I had forever.  
I had lied to him.  
I had deceived him.  
To love another.  
TRAITOR  
"I'm so sorry, Max. I love you. I should have loved you more. I  
should have told you more how happy you made me."  
I should have loved him.  
Why couldn't I make my foolish heart love this man?  
He was everything that I wanted.  
So why couldn't I make myself love him?  
Why?  
KILLER!  
Memories from the past evening flash before my eyes.  
Luke and me.  
I had been standing on the porch kissing Luke while Max met...  
death.  
I had told another man that I loved him.  
Another man that wasn't my husband.  
I had betrayed him.  
Cheated.  
To love another.  
I had given my heart to another.  
The pain ate at my heart.  
My bleeding, foolish heart.  
"Please, Max. I need you. Come back to me. I'm so sorry for everything.  
Please, come back to me I swear I'll do better...just come back....  
Come back...Please, god..Please...come back..."  
I closed my eyes in a weak attempt to shut everything out.  
But I couldn't.  
This wasn't just a bad dream.  
This pain was real.  
Should a broken heart be beating?  
Why am I still alive?  
Shouldn't I be laying face down?  
The moon painted his face in silver as I rose.  
My legs felt weak as I moved.  
I laid my broken body down beside him.  
Wanting to feel his arms around me one last time.  
This man that loved me so.  
My husband.  
I want to remember this man.  
I want my hands to know his touch.  
How his lips felt against mine.  
How his hair felt.  
I want to remember his scent.  
I want him.  
Back.  
I take him into my arms.  
I cling to him like he can save me from what is to come.  
This is just the calm before the storm.  
I whispered into the dark those words I never told him:  
"I loved you."  
  
---------------------------------  
The morning came with all its glory.  
I hated the sun for rising that day.  
The nurses came just after the first light had come into the room.  
They came to take him away from me.  
I fought them with all the strength I had left in my broken body.  
I wanted to cling to him like the cold shell could save me from  
the pain that waited for me.  
I lost that fight.  
They took him away from my world.  
I sat there along time in that room afraid to move.  
I thought that if I moved I might shatter like broken glass.  
A knock on the door woke me.  
The world came back with the sound of her voice.  
"Mum?"  
She was standing in the doorway to the room.  
Her eyes seemed so big as I looked at her.  
My little girl.  
Rory.  
I rose.  
"Where is he?"  
I wanted to save her from this pain.  
I wished that there were someway that I could ease her pain.  
That I could take her away from all of this.  
Save her.  
But I knew that there were no way back.  
She had loved him.  
Loved him like a father.  
I stood there in the middle of the room and shattered her world.  
I told her.  
I broke her heart.  
"No, mum...It can't be..Not Max."  
"I'm sorry, honey."  
She fell into me.  
I caught her.  
I wrapped my arms around her and let her burry her nose in my shirt.  
She cried.  
Her sobbing felt like someone was pushing a knife right through  
my heart.  
I have never known pain like that.  
It made me feel numb.  
Like someone had reached inside of me and pulled out my heart.  
I clung to my daughter and I prayed that the passing of time would  
ease her pain.  
Even though I knew that I would never feel whole again.  
  
Every part of my body hurt as I dared to move.  
We moved out of the room that smelled of death.  
I had my arms around my daughter, holding her up.  
The light in the hallway hurt my eyes a little.  
I needed the safety of my home.  
I needed to run now.  
I needed to hide.  
"Lorelai?"  
His voice.  
Luke.  
I turned around.  
He was sitting on a chair by the door.  
He looked like he hadn't slept for days.  
"Luke. What are you doing here?"  
He rose and walked towards me.  
He had still on the tuxedo from the last evening.  
"I heard..The nurses told me..I wanted to see...I wanted to help."  
"Have you been here all night?"  
"I thought you might...need...something.."  
"I need to get her home."  
"Okay..I can take her. We can take my truck."  
"Thank you. I don't think I can drive."  
  
The drive back to Stars Hollow felt like it took hours.  
Rory fell asleep in my arms.  
She looked so innocencet.  
So young.  
We passed houses where kids played.  
Where woman were working in their garden.  
Don't they know that he's dead?  
Shouldn't the world stop turning?  
Shouldn't the sky be falling?  
He's dead.  
Max.  
Gone.  
We sat there in silence.  
Him and me.  
While the world passed by outside the window.  
I wanted to tell him to just to drive.  
I wanted to run away from all of this.  
I didn't want to face them.  
All of those who thought they could heal me with words.  
But I had nowhere to run to.  
  
We arrived home half an hour later.  
We sat there a while.  
In my driveway.  
He spoke first:  
"I can take her if you want."  
I looked at him.  
He looked tired.  
He looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his  
shoulders.  
I wanted to reach out my hand and say something.  
But I couldn't.  
"I meant that I could carry her inside..If you want, that is."  
His eyes met mine.  
Pleading.  
Wanting to help.  
I managed to smile.  
A weak smile that never reached my eyes.  
"Thank you."  
He got out and went around to my side.  
Rory was still sleeping in my arms.  
Just like a child.  
He reached for her and for a single moment our hands touched.  
Just for a second.  
And I remembered.  
His lips against mine.  
Longing.  
Tasting.  
Those words he had whispered that night on the porch.  
The dance.  
TRAITOR!!!  
I felt ill.  
I had let myself remember.  
TRAITOR! TRAITOR.  
Thos words kept ringing in my ear as I got out of his truck and  
follow him inside.  
I felt like I was going to scatter IN the wind as I walked into  
that house.  
The silence scared me.  
I wanted to die.  
I stumbled into the kitchen and sat down at our kitchen table.  
I ran my hand across its surface.  
Memories came back like waves.  
His face.  
His smile.  
His laughter.  
How he held me.  
How he comfort me when I cried.  
How he made me smile.  
"Max.."  
Gone.  
No way back.  
Not coming back.  
"Can I make you something?"  
He was standing in the doorway to Rory's room.  
He closed the door behind him.  
Not wanting to wake her.  
He looked at me.  
Luke.  
"No, it's okay."  
"I can make you coffee if you want. Or I can run over to the diner  
and..."  
"It's okay, Luke."  
"You should eat. Let me fix you something."  
"I can make pancakes."  
I lifted my head and looked at him.  
"I don't want anything."  
That was the truth.  
I didn't need anything.  
No food.  
No coffee.  
Nothing.  
I wanted to die.  
I wanted to slowly fade away.  
He moved slowly.  
He sat down opposite me.  
His eyes pierced into me.  
"Please, let me help you, Lorelai."  
"You can't help me."  
"Just let me do something or I will go mad."  
He reached for my hand and in the second or hands brushed memories  
came back.  
Kissing him.  
Saying I loved him.  
Giving him my heart.  
They hit me right in the chest.  
I bolted.  
I flew up from my chair.  
"No! You have done enough!"  
"What?"  
He rose.  
"I want you out of here!"  
"Lor, you're talking crazy."  
"No. I know now. I want you to get out my house."  
I wanted him out of my house.  
And I prayed that I could drive him out of my heart.  
This man that I had been with the night my husband died.  
This man that had driven my husband into death.  
This man that had stood between me and my husband.  
He was a threat, I could see that now.  
He was a threat to my heart.  
To my sanity.  
"Why are you doing this?"  
"You killed him, Luke."  
"What are you talking about?"  
"You killed my husband."  
"How can you say that?"  
He came towards me.  
Powerful.  
Just like a tiger.  
"It's the truth."  
"No it's not. You're talking crazy."  
"Don't you see? I was with you. I was kissing you...I was...when  
he was dying..."  
"It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. It was an accident."  
"No. You're wrong. We both killed him. I killed him. You killed him."  
He was close now.  
I backed away.  
"You didn't kill him. Nobody killed him..You need to get some rest.  
Let me get you bed."  
He reached for me.  
"DON'T TOUCH ME!"  
His eyes met mine and I could see pain there.  
But I didn't care.  
I wanted him to feel pain.  
Feel something of that pain that was slowly killing me.  
"Please, Lorelai...You need to sleep. You are going to feel better.."  
"NO! I'm never going to feel better and don't try to imagine how  
it feels because you don't. He's dead. Gone. My husband is dead."  
"You'll get through this."  
"I don't want to get through this! I need him back...I need ..."  
Tears filled my eyes as I looked at him."  
"Let me help you."  
"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! I want...I need ....Max..."  
My legs gave away and I crumbled to the floor.  
I cried.  
The pain came at me like waves causing my body to tremble.  
He kneeled down beside me.  
"Please, Lorelai..Let me hold you...I need to.."  
I looked at him now.  
This man that I had given my heart to while my husband was facing  
death.  
"I don't care what you want...Get out of my house..."  
"Lorelai..."  
"No, Luke...I don't want to see you ever again..."  
"Don't do this..."  
"Go now and don't you ever come back..."  
Pain made his eyes dark.  
For a single moment I regretted saying those words to him.  
But then I saw my husbands face and I knew the right way to take.  
He rose.  
"I'll not give you up.."  
With those words he was gone.  
I was sitting there in the middle of my kitchen crying while pain  
crushed my heart.  
I died that day.  
  
---------------------------  
Two days later,  
Stars Hollow cemetery  
---------------------------  
Rain came down from a darkened sky and painted everything in gray  
the day we laid him to rest.  
They had come from all around the country to say goodbye to him.  
I didn't know half of them and I didn't want to get to know them   
either.  
Rory was standing beside me holding a single red rose.  
She looked pale.  
Two days had passed since he left this world.  
Two days.  
A lifetime.  
Yesterday.  
I reached for my daughter's hand now to steady myself.  
She took it and gave it a squeeze.  
We held each other up.  
I knew that I had to be strong now.  
For the both of us.  
But I had nothing left to give.  
I felt like an empty shell.  
It felt like a wind could knock me over.  
Dead inside.  
Never whole again.  
I stumbled forward towards that dark hole that would be his home for  
the coming years.  
I just stood there staring at his coffin while the mourners came and  
went.  
How could I say goodbye?  
How could I part from him?  
Max.  
This man that had given me his heart.  
That had trusted me with his heart.  
And I had killed him.  
I hadn't been able to make myself love him.  
I thought I could.  
It would be so easy, I thought.  
To love this man.  
And in a way I had loved him.  
But not as much as he had deserved to be loved.  
I had betrayed him.  
Driven him into his grave.  
Now they expected me to say goodbye to him.  
I was not ready to go yet.  
The rain fell from a dark sky as I stood there holding a single  
red rose.  
Clinging to my daughter's hand.  
"Goodbye, my love."  
I kissed the rose and let it fall into the darkness of that hole.  
Then we turned around and walked back home.  
It was time to mend a heart that never could be saved.  
  
-------------------  
Feedback----j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Part 6 is called "Talking to ghosts" 


	6. Talking to ghosts

Title: The path I fear to tread - Talking to ghosts  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where  
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: Three months has passed since they laid Max to rest. Luke goes  
to Lorelai to try to help her.  
AUTHORS NOTE: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
"If time will show me grace  
And you to a better place  
Then I can live knowing it wasn't in vain  
It hurts so much to know when love means letting go  
And no one can tell me that they've felt my pain  
  
No strength can stop you now  
Will someone show me how  
How to live it over again  
'cause I can't keep you from slipping away..."  
(from "Slipping Away" by Richard MARX "Greatest Hits" )  
  
------------------------------------  
The path I fear to tread-  
Talking to ghosts  
(6/7)  
by:Jessica  
  
-----------------------  
  
Days passed by so slowly.  
I went about my days as usual.  
The day of the funeral came and went.  
I closed the diner early that day.  
I stood in a grove and watched as the mourners came and went.  
That was the closest I dared to come.  
She looked so fragile.  
Like a wind could knock her over.  
I wanted to go to her but I knew that I wasn't allowed.  
She made it clear that day.  
I can't say that it didn't hurt.  
That would be lying.  
The truth was that she broke my heart that day.  
All I asked was to be near her.  
Be there for her in case she wanted something.  
Someone.  
I knew that no words could heal her heart.  
But I wanted to be there for her anyway.  
Hold her when she cried.  
Just loving her.  
But she pushed me away.  
I wish I could say that I understood why she did what she did.  
But I don't.  
I wanted to run up to her right then and there and demand  
that she would listen.  
That she would come to her senses.  
I knew that I couldn't heal her.  
But I at least wanted to try.  
I just stood there in the rain watching as pain ripped at her soul.  
I wanted to hold her.  
Just wrap my arms around her and hold her while she cried.  
Never let go.  
I have never known pain like that.  
Knowing that she didn't want me there.  
I wasn't the one she wanted.  
  
I waited until they all were gone before I left the safety of  
my hiding place.  
I had bought flowers.  
Roses.  
I came to lay down flowers on his grave.  
To talk to a tombstone.  
I stood there in the rain searching for words.  
"I know that we weren't friends. We didn't even talk, much...But you  
have to understand...I never meant any of this to happen."  
I must have gone mad somewhere along the way.  
Talking to a dead man.  
But I needed to calm my beating heart.  
Kill those voices that screamed in my ear.  
"I'm in love with her. I have loved her as long as I can remember."  
I was asking a dead man for permission.  
Crazy.  
"Remember that night you came to me at the diner and asked me about  
Lorelai and me? Oh, I wanted to tell you...But how could I? She  
didn't want me. She had chosen you...And I accepted that...I lost  
my heart that day you married her...and I wanted to stay away...  
I tried to stop loving her...But I couldn't. It's like stop wanting..  
the air you breathe...And then finally at the dance..Something inside  
of me called out to tell her finally the truth...I had held it inside  
of me for so long..It almost drove me mad...But I never expected  
any of this to happen..You have to believe that.."  
The rain kept falling from a dark sky causing me to shiver.  
"I don't want to live without her...anymore..I can't live without her..  
I need her, you see..She has this way about her...You want to  
strangle her and hug her at the same time...She drives you mad..  
She makes me smile..She makes my life..better..She makes me want  
to be better...God, listen to me..I'm going mad..But I have never felt  
like this...All I know is that I have to have her otherwise I will  
surely perish...But I'm asking you...to let me love her..."  
Silence followed.  
No answers were given to me.  
"I'll take care of her...I promise..."  
  
  
Days flew by so fast.  
I waited for her to come to me.  
Or that she would give me some sign.  
Something that told me that this wasn't all in VAIN.  
That she needed me.  
That she wanted me.  
That her words hadn't been a lie.  
Every day that passed I died a little more.  
Days turned into weeks and weeks became a month.  
And she stayed away.  
My heart broke into millions of pieces.  
  
January became February and my life continued.  
I was missing her like crazy.  
But I managed to rise again.  
As I always do.  
I convinced myself that it all was just a dream.  
That she had never been mine.  
I tried everything to drive her out of my heart.  
I even tried to hate her what she did to my heart.  
But I couldn't.  
I failed.  
I couldn't even hate her.  
I guess I'm weak.  
I need her like the air that I'm breathing.  
They say that hope is the last thing that leaves the man.  
I was clinging to that.  
  
Rory Gilmore walked through my door a rainy morning in the middle  
of March.  
She walked up to the counter and sat down.  
I walked towards her and wrapped my arms around her.  
"Nice to see you, Rory."  
We parted.  
She was glowing.  
Smiling.  
"Nice to see you too, Luke."  
Her eyes had gotten that special glow back.  
Her hair was a little bit longer.  
God, how I had missed her.  
"Want a cup of coffee?"  
I walked around the counter and poured her a cup of coffee.  
She sat down opposite me and took a sip.  
"How's everything?"  
"It's getting better.."  
"And school?"  
"Fine. She needs you, Luke."  
"Who?"  
Her eyes met mine.  
I knew.  
"Don't be like that. You know who. She needs you."  
"No, she doesn't. She made that clear."  
"I know about that. She didn't mean it. God, Luke, please..It's  
getting worse."  
"I can't, Rory. I wish I could. But she doesn't want me there."  
"I have no one else to turn to. Everyone has tried but no one  
has managed to break through."  
"I'm sure if you just let some time pass.."  
"There's no time. She needs help. She walks around our house like  
a zombie. She goes to work and does everything..But she isn't Lorelai.  
She isn't my mother."  
"Rory, I don't know how you think I can help."  
"Talk to her. Argue with her...Love her."  
Her words hit me right me in the chest and made me grasp for air.  
"I tried that...And look what it brought me."  
"Please, Luke. Don't give up on her. Not yet. She needs you."  
I surrendered.  
"I will go to her. But I ain't promising anything."  
"Thank you."  
  
It took two days for me to work up the courage and go to her.  
The moon was my only company as I walked the path to her house.  
My heart was beating like crazy.  
I had come to try to mend her heart.  
I had come to fight for her.  
For us.  
What if it was too late?  
Maybe I had already lost her.  
My hands trembled as I knocked on her door.  
Suddenly she appeared in the doorway.  
Dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.  
Her eyes seemed to dominate her whole face.  
She looked smaller.  
Fragile.  
"Lorelai?"  
Her voice was just a whisper as she spoke:  
"Luke."  
"Can I come in?"  
I wanted to see her smile.  
I needed to see her smile.  
She nodded and let me into her home.  
She showed me into the living room.  
I turned towards her.  
She looked so small.  
I wanted to wrap my arms around her but I knew that I wasn't allowed.  
Not yet.  
"What are you doing here, Luke?"  
"I wanted to talk to you."  
She was fading away with every breath she took.  
Slowly dying.  
A painful death.  
"What about?"  
"How are you?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Rory came to talk to me.."  
She turned away from me.  
"She shouldn't have done that."  
"She cares about you...I care about you."  
"So that's why you here?"  
"Yes, I thought we might talk."  
"Talk, huh. About what? What in earth could we talk about,Luke?"  
She turned towards me.  
Fire in her eyes.  
"I want to help you."  
"Help me? With what exactly?"  
"You have to put this behind you."  
I walked towards her.  
My arms wanted to touch her.  
Hold her.  
Just for a second, a minute.  
"How dare you come into my house and say something like that!!!??"  
Anger filled her eyes as she walked towards me.  
"Someone have to be the one to say it."  
"And you were chosen to be the one."  
"I wanted to come."  
"And why is that?"  
"I still love you. I never stopped loving you.."  
She stopped.  
"How can you stand there and say something like that?"  
"It's the truth, Lorelai."  
"No, it's not."  
"So everything you said that night..."  
"I have forgotten about that night..."  
I moved towards her.  
Her eyes met mine and I knew she was lying.  
I could see something there, behind the sorrow.  
Something I had dreamt about for so long.  
"You lie.."  
She was so close now that I could almost reach out and touch her.  
I drowned in her.  
Lorelai.  
Jesus, she was beautiful.  
Even when sorrow ate at her heart her beauty broke through  
the walls and shone bright.  
She broke away from me and moved away.  
"No..It's the truth...That night never happened..You want to know  
what I have been doing since I buried my husband? I have tried  
to block away everything from that night..When I stood there on  
the porch and..."  
"You told me you loved me."  
"I can't..."  
I moved towards her. She didn't back away from me this time.  
I framed her face between my hands and made her look at me.  
"Lorelai, please let me help you."  
"You can't...No one can."  
"Please. You need help."  
"No one can help me...I killed him."  
"Lor, no.."  
She broke away from me.  
She was crying now.  
"Don't you see...I killed him! I killed my own husband!"  
"No, you didn't."  
"I drove him into his grave.. I might as well have killed him.."  
"Stop doing this to yourself."  
"It's the truth."  
"You want to know the reason why I married him?"  
"Lor, don't..."  
"I was so desperately in love with you..."  
I reached for her but she slipped from my hand.  
"Lor.."  
"No, Luke...I married him..because I thought..that I could never  
have you.."  
Her words hit me and broke my heart into pieces.  
Pain.  
Pain.  
I grasped for air.  
The room was spinning.  
I should have told her sooner.  
I should have been brave.  
Then nothing of this ever had happened.  
"I married him, Luke..because he was safe..I wanted a home...I didn't  
want to be alone anymore."  
"Why didn't you tell me?"  
Tears filled my eyes as I looked at her.  
"I was afraid..That you didn't want me."  
"God, Lorelai.."  
"So I married Max instead..I let him believe that I loved him..  
He lay beside me and every night he whispered those three words..  
And I tried..How I tried..To say them back to him."  
Her tears caused me more pain than I ever thought was possible.  
I moved towards her.  
I reached out my hand.  
"Please, Lorelai...Let me touch you.."  
"No, Luke..I know now...I can see clearly now...I can never have you.."  
"No, don't do this.."  
"I betrayed him, Luke."  
"Lor, please..."  
"I killed him.."  
"STOP SAYING THAT!"  
"Luke, I'm not afraid anymore. I can't love you..."  
"I can help you..We can get through this together."  
"I don't want to get through this."  
"Please, Lor...I don't..I can't.."  
"I deserve this.."  
"For god's sake! You are talking crazy..."  
"No, I know now. We can never be..It was never meant to be!"  
I moved fast.  
I wanted to shake her.  
I wanted to hurt her.  
I wanted to break her down.  
"Please, you have to let him go. He wouldn't have wanted to see you  
like this..."  
"I don't want to let him go..He was the only one that has ever  
been there for me..That was true.."  
I have never known pain like that.  
I wanted to scream "WHAT ABOUT ME!"  
But I remained silent.  
"You need help, Lor. Otherwise this will kill you."  
"Let death come."  
"Don't be so dramatic."  
"I mean it."  
"What about Rory? She needs her mother."  
"I'm still her mother."  
"No, you're not."  
"Yes, I will always be her mother."  
"Please, don't do this."  
"I'm giving you up..That's at least what I can do for Max."  
"HE'S DEAD!"  
Her eyes met mine and I knew.  
I could see it now.  
Her broken soul stretched out before me.  
Her shattered heart.  
Broken.  
Her voice was just a whisper:  
"Please leave, Luke.."  
"Just like that.."  
"No, not just like that...I said what I had to say.."  
"You're not living..You hide away in this house..I want Lorelai back."  
"She is standing right here."  
"No, she isn't."  
"Then we haven't anything to say to each other."  
"So this is how it's going to be."  
"Yeah."  
"I love you, Lorelai..I want to be with you...I need you."  
"I'm sorry, Luke."  
"Don't be sorry! Do something..Get angry..Scream! Hit me! DO SOMETHING!  
I can't stand this...You're so cold!...I said I love you and you  
just stand there.."  
"We have already talked about this!"  
"So you are just giving up."  
"No, I'm not giving up...I just can't have you."  
I moved closer to her.  
My hands trembled as I once again framed her face between my hands  
and made her look at me.  
"Tell me you don't love me and I will leave and I swear that I will  
never bother you again."  
I searched for the truth in her eyes.  
I searched for longing.  
For something that could keep hope alive.  
But I found nothing.  
Her eyes were dark as she spoke:  
"I don't love you anymore."  
Something inside of me broke.  
The pain was indescribable.  
It shot me down.  
Made my legs feel weak.  
I searched for something that said it was all a lie.  
It had to be a lie.  
It must be.  
YOU LOSE!  
"Please, Lor..Don't do this..."  
"Leave, Luke.."  
Anger filled my veins.  
I didn't care anymore.  
I wanted to break her.  
I wanted to pierce through that wall she had around her heart.  
I wanted to remember.  
So I kissed her.  
I lowered my mouth to hers and kissed her.  
The minute my lips brushed hers I knew that I was lost.  
All the passion that ran through my veins came out in that kiss.  
I needed to break her.  
I had to break her.  
Desire ate at my heart as I parted her lips and went deeper.  
Suddenly she broke free from me and pushed me away.  
I stumbled away still tasting her on my lips.  
"LEAVE!"  
"Lorelai.."  
"No! Leave this house and don't ever come back. I mean it this time!  
Don't come around here again!"  
I moved towards the door.  
Time to stop fighting.  
SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU!  
Once again I was down on my knees.  
I couldn't win this.  
I lingered in the doorway, not wanting to leave just yet.  
Her silence hurt more than I thought was possible.  
"I told you the truth tonight...I have never lied to you."  
Silence followed.  
I wanted her to move.  
I wanted her to turn around and run into my arms.  
I wanted her to say that this was just a lie.  
That she wanted me.  
Needed me.  
Loved me.  
But all I got was silence.  
My heart tore into millions of pieces as I opened the front door.  
I looked back at her.  
MOVE! STOP ME FROM LEAVING! MAKE ME BELIEVE!  
But she remained her calm self.  
I bowed my head and said:  
"Goodbye, Lorelai."  
Then I walked away from her.  
------------------------------------  
  
Feedback - j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
The final part is called "Someone to hold on to" and it's coming soon.  
I'm sorry about this depressing part but I listened to David Gray's CD  
"White ladder" and Coldplay's "A rush of blood to the head" to get me  
in the mood..So I will blame them. I promise the next part will not be  
so depressing...:) 


	7. Someone to hold on to

Title: The path I fear to tread - Someone to hold on to  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where  
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: Can Luke and Lorelai find their way back to each other?  
Or will they end up as friends once again...  
AUTHORS NOTE:English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
THANK YOU: To Amy for being such a great beta reader. Tack!  
  
--------------------------------  
" Heaven knows it's high time  
And I've been waiting on my own too long  
But when you hold me like you do  
It feels so right  
I start to forget  
How my heart gets torn  
When that hurt gets thrown  
Feeling like you can't go on  
  
Turning circles when time again  
It cuts like a knife oh yeah  
If you love me got to know for sure  
Cos it takes something more this time  
Than sweet sweet lies  
Before I open up my arms and fall  
Losing all control  
Every dream inside my soul  
And when you kiss me  
On that midnight street  
Sweep me off my feet  
Singing ain't this life so sweet.."  
("This years love" by: David Gray )  
----------------------------------  
The path I fear to tread -  
Someone to hold on to  
(7/7)  
by: Jessica  
-------------------------------  
I welcome his ghost.  
I cling to it.  
His clothes are still hanging in the closet.  
His books and papers are still scattered over my desk.  
His razor still sits on a shelf in the bathroom.  
The pillow beside me in the bed still carries his scent.  
He came to me in my dreams last night. He graced me  
with his presence just before the morning sun pierced through my   
dreams.  
Sometimes I don't want to wake.  
I want to linger there in this land in between awake and asleep.  
I'm happy there.  
I'm complete.  
Then the world comes back and his face starts to fade before my eyes.  
I reach for him beside me in the bed.  
But all I find is an empty space.  
And I remember.  
I fall.  
How easily I fall.  
I die a thousand deaths every time I open my eyes and find myself  
alone.  
I want to curse the sun for rising once again.  
I have even begun to pray.  
To a God that has no mercy.  
As I give myself to the night I pray that he will send me my love.  
But he isn't listening.  
We no longer talk.  
------------------------------------------  
How do you stop loving someone?  
How do you stop your heart from longing?  
I wish I knew the answer to those questions.  
As I stand here looking back on the past months I can honestly  
say that I don't know what to do.  
I go about my day as usual.  
But my heart skips a beat every time the door to the diner opens.  
I curse my foolish heart for hoping for something that will never  
happen.  
This isn't a Hollywood movie. She will not come running through  
that door and throw her arms around me.  
She will not come here to beg for forgiveness.  
She will not come here to win my heart.  
But I still dream.  
I'm still hoping.  
And outside my window the world passes by.  
------------------------------  
The pain doesn't stop just because a year has passed.  
I thought it would.  
Time heals all wounds they say.  
I'm still waiting for that something that will heal my heart.  
A year is a long time.  
Life has returned to normal.  
At least a little.  
Nothing will ever be the same.  
We both know it.  
Rory seems better for each day that passes.  
She laughs.  
She smiles.  
She warms my heart.  
I have tried to show a brave front.  
But she sees through me so easily.  
And I shatter once again.  
It can be a song on the radio.  
Just a brief scent.  
Then I fall.  
I see him sometimes.  
Max.  
I can almost feel him.  
It's amazing.  
I close my eyes and I pray that he will be there  
when I open my eyes again.  
I know that it's silly to ever believe that he would come  
back to me.  
But still something inside of me clings to those few minutes  
I get every day when the memory of him comes to me.  
--------------------------------------  
I move around like a zombie.  
Only half alive.  
Alone, as I always has been.  
I move slowly, fearing that I might break.  
I have stopped smiling.  
I have nothing to smile about.  
She comes in now and then.  
Rory.  
She sits at the counter and we talk about  
everything and nothing.  
She smiles but the smile never reaches her eyes.  
I know the feeling.  
I have failed her.  
Both of them.  
We never mention her mother.  
But sometimes I find myself wondering if she ever thinks  
about me.  
But I always curse my foolish heart for hoping for a change.  
Lorelai made her decision.  
I just wish there were someway I could mend this broken heart  
of mine.  
I wish that I could stop wanting her.  
Needing her.  
Loving her.  
Maybe I should stop fighting and just accept that I will never  
be able to drive her out of me.  
She is a part of me.  
I have to stop fighting.  
-----------------------------------  
She came in the early light of day and slipped into my bed.  
Rory.  
I didn't object.  
I liked having her beside me.  
She crept closer to me and I opened my arms so easily.  
I wrapped my arms around my little girl.  
We lay there a while.  
The sun pierced through my window and warmed our faces.  
Summer had come with all its glory.  
The clock beside my bed showed little after seven in the morning.  
It was Saturday.  
"Want to go to Luke's?"  
She spoke first.  
"I can make coffee.."  
"Mum, it's not the same.."  
"Yeah, I know.."  
She looked at me.  
Pleading.  
"So, why can't we go?"  
"You know why."  
"No, I don't."  
She sat up in bed and looked at me.  
"Rory, we have talked about this.."  
"No, you talked."  
I sat up and looked at my daughter.  
She wasn't such a little girl anymore.  
"We can't go to Luke's because.."  
"Because, what?"  
"I said some things.."  
"You always say things to him. There's nothing that you can't fix."  
"I can't fix this..."  
"Yes, you can. It's Luke."  
"Yeah, I know...Luke...That's the whole problem."  
I wish I could tell her the truth.  
About what had happened between us.  
But I couldn't do that to her.  
I couldn't hurt her like that.  
Luke.  
He still lingered there, in the back of my head.  
Scaring me.  
Haunting me.  
"You guys had a fight...So what?"  
"No, it's bigger than that."  
"Bigger? Mum, you have to fix it. He is miserable without you."  
"How do you know?"  
"We talk sometimes."  
"About what?"  
"Everything."  
I wondered if he had told her.  
"Oh..."  
"Yeah, oh. He needs you."  
"No. You're talking silly."  
She rose from the bed.  
Anger in her eyes.  
Fire.  
"For god's sake, mum. You want to stay like this forever. Do you really   
think everyone would  
look down on you if you went to Luke's?"  
"Of course not. It's just.."  
"What?"  
"I can't, honey."  
"Can't what? It's just coffee."  
"No, it's not just coffee. It's everything."  
"I have been SILENT for almost two months now. I have watched you walk   
round   
this house looking like someone stole the sun from the sky."  
"You don't understand."  
I rose from the bed.  
My legs felt weak as I dared to move.  
"What is there to understand? You lost your husband. But you're not the   
only   
one in this world that has lost someone. But people move on. They pick   
themselves up and move on."  
"Rory, it's not that easy."  
"Yes, I know that it's not so easy. But you've got to try. I can't bear   
watching you fade away like this."  
"I'm not fading away. Stop being so dramatic.  
"I'm not being dramatic. You hardly leave the house beside when you   
have to   
work."  
"That's not true. I have gone to Hartford a couple of times and I..."  
"Mum, please. It's just Luke's."  
"I can't, honey."  
"He died. Max died. It's been almost six months and you still  
have his things."  
"Is there a limit for grief?"  
"Of course not. But you need help, mum."  
"I'm doing just fine."  
"No, you don't. I want my mother back. I want my best friend back."  
"I'm right here."  
"No, you're wrong. All you can see is him. Max. And he is dead!"  
"Rory, don't do this."  
"Do what? I'm telling you the truth."  
"I can't do what you ask."  
"It's just coffee at Luke's. Nothing else."  
"No, it's not just that. It's everything. I can't.."  
"You have to let him go, mum."  
She walked towards me.  
My daughter.  
Not so little.  
A young woman.  
She was in front of me.  
Pleading eyes.  
Begging me.  
"I don't know if I can let him go."  
"You have to. Do it for me."  
"Oh, honey. I can't. I loved him."  
"I know you did. I loved him also. But you can't live like this."  
"I deserve this."  
"What do you mean?"  
"I killed him."  
"No, you didn't. It was an accident."  
"No, honey. You don't understand."  
"Then tell me."  
"I can't."  
"Yes, you can. You used to tell me everything."  
"I can't tell you this."  
"Please.."  
"No. I just can't. Please, leave it alone."  
"I can't leave it alone. You are my mother and I have seen how this has   
affected you. But you need help."  
"He said that, too."  
"Who?"  
"Luke."  
"I told him to go to you. He wanted to help you."  
"He can't help me. No one can."  
She reached for me but I backed away from her.  
Maybe it was time to tell her the truth.  
To open my heart to her.  
And maybe together we could find a way of this darkness.  
"Don't say that. You need to talk to someone. You need to join the   
living   
again."  
"I'm living."  
"No, you don't. I want you to smile. I want you to go crazy. I want   
things   
to go back to the way they were."  
"It's not possible."  
"Yes, it is. We can make it together. You just have to let him go."  
"I can't. I loved him."  
"And I didn't? Don't you think my heart was broken when he died? He was   
like a..."  
She didn't speak that word but I knew it anyway.  
I could see it in her eyes.  
I reached for her but now it was her turn to back away.  
"God, Rory.."  
"No. I have never thought you could be so selfish. I loved him also.   
But you don't see me walking around crying. Do I miss him?   
Yes, of course I do. Do I think about him? Yes.   
But I know that life goes on."  
"It's not so easy."  
"Why is that?"  
"He was my husband."  
"So? Does that mean that you have to die with him?"  
"Of course not."  
"So why don't you fight?"  
"Fight? I have nothing to fight about."  
"What about me? What about your daughter?"  
"Rory, god. I didn't mean it like that."  
"Then how did you mean it?"  
"I...I don't know how to let go. How to go on without him."  
"We can make it together. You just have to believe."  
"I wish I could."  
"Don't you trust me?"  
"Of course."  
"Then let me help you."  
She reached out her hand to me.  
It would be so easy to believe in her words.  
To trust her.  
To take a step into thin air.  
To join the living again.  
To let go.  
The thought scared me.  
It shook me to the core.  
"I'm afraid."  
"Of what?"  
"It's still hurts."  
"Yes, I know. But it will get better. I promise."  
I saw concern in her eyes.  
Love.  
I wanted to believe in her lovely words.  
I wanted to fall into her and let her catch me.  
But there where still so many what if's.  
"I know that this will not be easy, mum. And I'm not asking you to   
forget   
about him. No one is asking you to forget about Max. I just want you to   
take   
care of yourself. To start living again. I can't lose you, also."  
Tears filled my eyes as I took her hand in mine.  
She wrapped her arms around me.  
"God, honey. You're not losing me."  
"You scared me, mum."  
"I'm sorry, honey."  
"I love you, mum."  
"I love you too, Rory."  
-----------------------------  
I never thought she could be the death of me.  
But I know the truth now.  
I will surely die by her hand.  
She has this power over me that I can't break free from.  
She came into the diner today.  
Just like that.  
Like nothing had happened.  
She ordered coffee.  
Rory was with her.  
It almost felt like old times.  
But I forced myself to remember all the things she had said.  
I hid behind the counter, afraid that she might see my trembling hands.  
That she would see my crumble.  
Then she came to me.  
She walked up to the counter, looked at me and smiled.  
Damn that smile.  
Cruel.  
"Nice to see you, Luke."  
She had no right to come here and act like nothing had happened.  
Like everything was okay.  
Didn't she know that she had broken my heart?  
She had hurt me more than I could imagine.  
But all of that remained unspoken.  
"You too, Lorelai. How's everything?"  
I even managed to smile.  
"It's getting better. I'm taking it day by day."  
Why hadn't she come to me?  
Why wouldn't she open her heart to me?  
How could she be so cruel?  
Why did she push me away?  
But I didn't say anything.  
All I said was:  
"Good."  
I searched for something in her eyes that could tell me that there  
still was a chance for us.  
That I could dare to dream.  
That I didn't love in vain.  
But I found nothing.  
She just smiled and paid for the coffees.  
Then she was out the door.  
I stood there, watching her go.  
A voice whispered in my head:  
COME BACK! COME BACK! LOVE ME! LOVE ME!  
---------------------------------------  
I can't say that I ran.  
But I didn't stay either.  
It felt so strange seeing him again.  
Luke.  
I know that he blames me.  
He has every right to hate me.  
I caused him pain.  
I pushed him away.  
I treated him cruelly.  
I could see pain in his eyes.  
He hid it well behind that huge wall he carries around.  
But I saw through him.  
I saw the pain there.  
The broken heart I had caused.  
How can I make him see that it was all for the best?  
That I did what I did to save the both of us.  
No good can came of us being together.  
I'm no good.  
I hurt people.  
I crush them.  
And I can't bear hurting him.  
Not again.  
Never again.  
So I will let him go.  
I just wish my heart would listen.  
--------------------------------------------  
Life continued even for me.  
I opened the diner every day as usual.  
I served my customers.  
I refused to be moved.  
She kept on coming to the diner.  
I welcomed her.  
We talked as usual.  
We slowly but surely found our way back to the life we once had.  
At least it seemed so.  
Maybe it was all an act.  
But I put on a brave front.  
I played along in her game.  
I managed to convince my heart that I was better off.  
That it was better this way.  
She was grieving.  
I had no right to try to win her heart.  
I could never win her heart.  
It was no use in trying.  
So I settled with something in between.  
I settled with seeing her smile every day.  
I settled with hearing her laugh.  
I lived for those hours we got.  
And somewhere along the way my heart began to beat once again.  
----------------------------------  
Days flew by.  
Summer turned into autumn and my life continued.  
I finally found the courage to pack away his things.  
I folded his clothes neatly and put them all in boxes.  
Rory got his books.  
But I hadn't the heart to throw away his old armchair.  
He loved sitting in that.  
I still sit in it sometimes.  
I curl up in it and talk to him.  
It sounds silly, I know.  
But the thought of him still being with me calms me.  
I have let him go.  
HE'S finally resting in peace.  
It wasn't easy.  
But I have forgiven myself.  
Rory helped.  
The people of this town helped in some ways.  
Luke helped.  
They gave me laughter.  
They gave me strength.  
I don't know how to thank them.  
But I found my way back.  
My way back from the darkness that kept me down.  
I still miss him, though.  
A part of me still loves the man I lost.  
But I have learned one thing.  
Maybe there is no such thing as the love of your life.  
All I know is that I will not hold back.  
Not again.  
I will love like this is my final day on this earth.  
-------------------------------------------  
She grew before my eyes.  
She seemed to shine.  
I could see that glow in her eyes again.  
I don't know how she did it.  
But I don't care.  
She has found her way back to the living again.  
Lorelai Gilmore is back among the living.  
I guess she is doing fine.  
She is smiling and I'm dead.  
---------------------------  
It wasn't like lightning on a clear day.  
It didn't just happened.  
Maybe I have always known that it was him.  
That he was the one.  
That I wanted him.  
Luke.  
My friend.  
Best friend.  
Maybe I never stopped loving him.  
It was raining that day I went to him to try to explain.  
I went there to talk to him.  
Make him open up.  
I wanted the old Luke back.  
I wasn't prepared for a battle.  
  
I walked into the diner so sure of myself.  
So sure that I could win this.  
So sure I could make him see what was right.  
Luke was just about to clean up after the last customers.  
He looked up as I entered.  
"We are closed. Didn't you see the sign?"  
"I choose to ignore it."  
I smiled.  
He didn't return my smile.  
My heart sank.  
"We're out of coffee."  
"I didn't come here for that."  
He looked up.  
Our eyes met.  
"Okay. Then why are you here?"  
It was time now to pull out the big guns.  
To make my speech.  
I had practiced it.  
To win him.  
Luke.  
"I wanted to talk to you."  
"About what? It's late and I have things to do."  
"Please, Luke.."  
He surrendered with a sigh and looked at me.  
"Okay. Speak.."  
"I wanted to tell you that.."  
"What?"  
His voice seemed so harsh.  
I almost backed away.  
But I was determined now.  
To win.  
To do what I had to do.  
"I don't want to cry anymore. I can't cry anymore."  
"Lor.."  
"No, listen. I don't want to be alone anymore. I thought I could  
make it alone. That everything could go back to what it was but I was  
wrong. But I know now. I can see clearly now. All I can feel is how  
much I miss you.."  
"I'm here for you. I will always be here for you."  
He walked around the counter and came towards me.  
"But I want.."  
"Don't."  
He stopped.  
"Please, Luke."  
His eyes were dark, as he looked straight at me.  
I almost crumbled.  
Almost fell.  
"You hurt me more than I ever would have imagined.  
I wanted to hate you, Lorelai. I wanted to hurt you."  
My heart shivered in my chest.  
I could see pain in his eyes.  
Pain I had caused him.  
For a moment I hated myself for pushing him away.  
For lying.  
"I understand that."  
"No you don't!"  
"Yes, I know."  
"How can you know the pain you caused me? You ripped out me heart  
and threw it in my face."  
"I'm sorry."  
"Lorelai..I can't...Not this time."  
"Please, let me explain.."  
"There's nothing to explain.."  
"Yes it is..When you came to me that night and said those lovely  
things... I wanted you to save me..I wanted to give in, fall...but  
I was so afraid to live..To let him go."  
"I know that.."  
"No you don't. I can't explain the pain I felt when he was taken  
away from me. The guilt..because of.."  
"I know.."  
"He was my husband, Luke. I stood in front of God and promised to be  
faithful but I failed him.."  
"No, Lorelai.."  
"No, Luke..I know now...I'm fine..I have forgiven myself. I can't  
say that I'm complete..I'm still missing some parts..but I'm getting  
there."  
"I'm happy for you.."  
"I will not be complete..without you.."  
"Lorelai.."  
"Luke..Is it too late to say that I love you?"  
"Don't do this.."  
"I'm so madly and deeply in love with you...Maybe it's always been  
you..I don't know..All that I know is that I want you."  
"I have loved you for as long as I can remember...I have tried to  
show you..I tried to let you know in every way possible..But you  
never saw me..."  
"I'm so sorry..."  
"No, Lor..Don't be..Because I'm better now.."  
"What?"  
"I will have to say no this time.."  
"Luke.."  
"You are dangerous, Lorelai. There will always be something or someone  
that will come in our way..And you will push me away..You can so easily  
break my heart in thousands of pieces..You can kill me.."  
"But.."  
"I can't take it anymore.."  
"Please, Luke..Don't.."  
"I'm saving myself..You would find something scary and you would run  
and leave me here all alone. You would crush me..I can't take that.."  
"No, Luke..I know now...I love you."  
"It's just words, Lorelai.."  
"How can I show you? What do you want me to do?"  
"Nothing."  
"How can you say that?"  
"It's better this way."  
"So you are just giving up. So I will just have to accept that as  
an answer."  
"Yeah."  
"Damn you, Luke. You talk about running away. Who is doing the running   
now?"  
Silence followed.  
I moved fast.  
I wanted to break him.  
I wanted to hurt him.  
He didn't stop me.  
He just stood there.  
I slammed my fist against his chest.  
Angry.  
Hurting.  
Breaking apart.  
"DAMN YOU, LUKE DANES! DAMN YOU!!! YOU COWARD!!!"  
Harder.  
Harder.  
He leaves me be.  
Finally I fall.  
I crumbled to the floor.  
Tears filled my eyes.  
I was pleading for my heart.  
For my soul.  
Everything came crashing down around me.  
And it hurt.  
I lifted my head towards him.  
Our eyes met.  
"Please...I love you so much...Love me.."  
It was a childish plea.  
But I didn't care.  
I didn't care what was right and proper.  
He reached out his hand for me.  
"I'm sorry.."  
With those words I died.  
I rose.  
I never knew pain like this.  
His hand brushed mine.  
"Lorelai.."  
"DON'T TOUCH ME!"  
I looked at this man.  
I wanted to hate him.  
I needed to hate him.  
But I failed.  
God, how I failed.  
All I saw was the man I loved.  
I turned around and ran away from him.  
--------------------------------  
I stood there in the doorway to the diner and watched as she  
ran away from me.  
Something broke inside of me.  
LET HER GO! LET HER GO!  
I had made a choice.  
THERE was too much AT stake this time.  
My heart was on the line.  
My life.  
I don't want to be the one to cry.  
I can't take another heartache.  
I'm saving myself this time.  
Saving myself.  
I will not be moved.  
-------------------------  
I ran as fast as I could.  
I fled.  
The rain came crashing down all around me.  
I ran to the gazebo.  
My shelter from the storm.  
From him.  
I had put it all on the line today.  
I had given him my heart.  
No, was the answer.  
Was it stupid to believe that he would forget?  
That he would forgive me.  
Maybe I had this coming.  
Maybe this is my punishment.  
I can't have him.  
I have to accept that.  
Just give me until morning to stop fighting.  
------------------------  
I walked upstairs.  
My legs felt weak as I opened the door to my apartment and  
went inside.  
Silence met me.  
Darkness met me.  
Alone again.  
As I always HAVE been.  
I chose this.  
To be alone.  
To say no to love.  
She offered me her heart and I said no.  
No.  
To being loved by her.  
She had called me a coward.  
I had hurt her.  
Broken her.  
I had gotten my revenge.  
But I felt not the sweet joy of victory.  
I had lost.  
Her.  
Everything.  
Why did this hurt so?  
Her face was before me.  
Chasing me.  
Haunting me.  
Hurting me.  
I closed my eyes in an attempt to shut the pain out.  
Too late.  
I opened my eyes and whispered into the dark night:  
"Please..."  
I had lost her.  
I had pushed her out of my life.  
Convinced that I was better off.  
I had sacrificed my friend in order to survive.  
I had done the right thing.  
This was the right thing to do.  
I prayed that I was right.  
I hoped that I was right.  
---------------------------  
I stood there in the gazebo trying to find my way  
back to sanity.  
The world kept spinning.  
My heart kept pounding like crazy in my chest.  
His voice kept chasing me around.  
Tears kept blocking my sight.  
I wanted to hate him.  
God, how I wanted to hate him.  
I needed to feel something other than this feeling that kept  
clinging at my heart.  
He was everywhere.  
The air seemed to be filled with his scent.  
I could still feel his hand in mine.  
Burning me.  
Hurting me.  
"DAMN YOU, LUKE DANES!!!!!"  
I had no right to be angry.  
All he had done was to say no.  
He had the right to do that.  
But why didn't he want me?  
Why couldn't he love me?  
I needed his love.  
I wanted his love.  
He was everything that was true.  
That was right and proper.  
He was someone I couldn't have.  
I buried my face in my hands and cried.  
"You don't know how much I loved you."  
The world came back with his voice.  
I opened my eyes.  
He was standing outside the gazebo.  
Looking straight at me.  
The rain was soaking him.  
But he didn't seem to mind.  
I dried my tears with the back of my hand.  
I didn't want him to see me cry.  
Not again.  
"Luke, come in from the rain."  
He didn't move.  
He just stood there.  
In the rain.  
"Everything I have ever done is for you. You are all that is  
beautiful. All I can see is you."  
He walked up the stairs towards me.  
His eyes met mine.  
"Luke.."  
"I gave you my heart. Everything that was me and you threw it away."  
"I'm sorry.."  
"I know...Just let me explain."  
"I thought everything had been said."  
"When you came to me tonight and said all of that...I kept hearing  
those words you said to me that night.."  
"All I can say is that I'm sorry.."  
"Yeah, I know. I thought I could say no to you. If I just pushed you  
out of my heart I would be okay. But I can't...I know that now.."  
"Luke.."  
He moved towards me.  
I didn't run this time.  
He came towards me.  
Like a tiger.  
I saw heaven in his eyes.  
He was so close now that I almost could hear his heartbeat.  
His hands trembled as he framed my face between his hands and made  
me look at him.  
"If I let you go I now it would be the end of me."  
"I used to be afraid of everything. I used to fear love because all  
it had given me was despair and pain. But I'm not that any longer.  
I don't know how it happened but I fell in love with my best friend."  
"And I'm with you."  
We stood there, clinging to each other.  
Neither of us dared to move.  
Breathe.  
His hands were soft against my cheeks.  
His body warmed mine.  
And all around us heaven came crashing down.  
He spoke first.  
"Will you dance with me?"  
His eyes were so dark.  
Promising.  
The rain kept falling around us.  
The sky could be falling.  
See if I care.  
All I could see was him.  
He reached out his hand to me.  
I could see heaven in his eyes.  
A love that even death would surrender to.  
This time I didn't back away.  
I will not let fear break me.  
Never again.  
I smiled and took his hand.  
His hand slid around my waist and pulled me closer to him.  
I crept closer to him and let myself be lifted away in a beautiful  
waltz.  
No music was needed.  
I heard it anyway.  
I lifted my head towards him and smiled.  
Our eyes met.  
We flew.  
We danced.  
How we danced.  
Above us the dark chased away the rain and the moon entered the sky.  
The stars were thrown clear across the sky and painted  
the heavens in silver.  
I pressed my cheek against him.  
I caught the slightest scent of him.  
Luke.  
He smelled like bacon and soap.  
I smiled.  
I felt so safe in his arms.  
Like nothing could ever harm me.  
He slowed our dance into a shuffle.  
He pressed me tighter to him and whispered those words that I needed  
to hear:  
"I love you, Lorelai Gilmore."  
The dance came to an end.  
I lifted my head towards him.  
Our eyes met.  
I saw hope in his eyes.  
Fear.  
Love.  
Beauty.  
The beauty that was I.  
Us.  
I don't know what the future has in store for us.  
But I will not fear it.  
I will never fear anything again.  
Not him.  
Not love.  
And if he lets me I will love him until the end of my days.  
I smiled.  
"I love you too."  
They are just words.  
Three small words.  
But, oh so important.  
Then he lowered his mouth to mine and kissed me.  
The kiss was nothing like those before.  
This was burning hot.  
He broke my defenses.  
I let him in with a sigh.  
With a sigh I surrendered.  
Then I was lost.  
In a cloud of desire.  
This must be heaven.  
---------------------  
Feedback...j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
*Sorry about that..but I have written too much angst and I wanted  
something happy for once..;)  
I can REALLY recommend these cd's. I listen to these a lot  
while I wrote this story. They are: "White ladder" by David Gray  
(especially "THESE years love" ), "A rush of blood to the head" by  
Coldplay ( especially "The Scientist"), "Fumbling towards ecstasy"  
by Sarah Mclachlan, "Sea change" by Beck and the soundtrack to the   
movie   
"Message in a bottle" (especially "One more time"). I have a lot of   
cd's and   
I can always find my inspiration there. This whole story began after I   
watched "Sense and Sensibility". I love that movie. I especially like   
the   
character Brandon. He is so in love with someone that he can never   
have. It   
breaks my heart to see him played so well by Alan Rickman and specially   
the   
scene where he's waiting outside her room while she's lying sick inside   
and   
her sisters exit and he walks around.  
And he says something like "You have to give me something to do,   
otherwise I   
will go mad." The look upon his face...God...I'm a true romantic and I   
cry   
like a baby everytime..Other movies I watch to get in  
the mood is "Message in a bottle" ( THE ENDING!!!!), "A walk to  
remember" and every Jane Austen movie there is...I will shut up now..  
....PLEASE REVIEW!!! Tell me if you hate this!..I can take it... I  
will not lay down and die...I promise..:) / Jessica 


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